On families, pt. 1

Alright! It's been almost a week since my last post, and I've worked one more shift. It was only Wednesday, but seems ages ago after two full days of barista-ing (switching my mind between different jobs adds hours to the day). I've also been trying to process enough to get another solid post. (Look at me, trying so hard to post regularly! we'll see how long it lasts...)

So, I have two things to add today! One is about sweet men...one in particular. The other is about family - my family - and their reactions to learning of my latest line of work.

I had another good shift Wednesday. It didn't start so great, though. I drove my mom and her boo to the airport early in the morning, then agreed to come in to work early, turning my 5 hour shift into 8 hours. I definitely could have practiced some self-care and rested during those three hours, or maybe prepared food so I didn't have to order delivery during my shift. But instead I agreed...(there's something about this abstract fear of not having enough money that I need to kick. seriously...three jobs and I'm taking more hours because I have such an ingrained sense of worry. It needs to stop).

So I went in to cover a few hours so my manager could finish paperwork and get on her way to the headquarters in Chicago (she gets to take back things we never sold and get new merch! I'm so excited to see what we get!). It was a pretty good shift, business-wise, with just enough of a slow spell near dinner time that I had ample nomming opportunities. Also of note, it was my second shift and I sold $200 more in merch than the first! I've never worked for commission, so this is a little exciting (for now).

Easily the most touching and memorable interaction I had that day was with an older man. I'd barely noticed him until he came to the counter with his arms full (he was one of the quiet shoppers who research their purchases, then come in and simply choose the best/most applicable version of their target toys). I looked down and I saw: cock rings (x2), a medium sized (that's roughly...7-8 in./2 in. in our stock) dildo based off a casting of a real porn star's erection and sack, and a penis pump. :) The guy was set - he didn't need anything else. I could tell he was well-versed in what he was getting, so I got to the point and rung him up.

During out transaction however, he started up conversation. I've found in the service industry that, sometimes, people just want to talk. This was one of those times. He was a white man that looked to be in his 50's. He had a large frame, glasses, a receding hairline with a thinning top, a mustache. I imagined if I were his wife I would look at all of those things, lovingly, in the way they reflected a very caring person, but not necessarily defined him or set him apart. He looked like many late-middle-aged white men who work jobs that probably aren't very satisfying, and perhaps he didn't have many people to talk to other than his wife. (He actually kind of reminded me of that "Jump to Conclusions Mat" guy from Office Space.) But he said things that I wish I heard more often in this store.

He told me he was trying to keep his wife happy, after 25 years of marriage. He said it'd been going well so far, and he was just trying to keep things that way. He said he'd been researching on the internet and found out so many possible solutions for his pursuit.

It wasn't a long conversation, but a few things struck me about it:
1. This guy is sweet, dedicated, and honest with his wife and himself. He was trying to improve his own performance and compensate for natural aging processes, but he was also willing to use dildo to get his wife (and, potentially, himself - directly or indirectly) off, in the event that his erection couldn't be kept or wasn't enough. (At least that's how I read this.) What honesty! I want to be as loving and dedicated to myself and the people I'm intimate with as my body continues to show signs of aging.

2. He was proactive about his sex life (and in the process of pursuing sexual fulfillment for him and his wife, may have broken down personal barriers like going to sex-shops and admitting personal shortcomings...damnit work-related puns - there's at least one in every post). I do see a lot of older guys in the shop on any given day, but I'd say about 99% of them, thus far, have purchased tokens to the arcade, dvd's, or magazines. An older guy buying a toy is something of a rarity (in my very limited experience).

3. I guess it might be expected by now...but I sometimes am surprised to find that adults are using the internet (I'm ridiculous, right?). Really, though, I've had to teach my mom so many things about computers and other technologies that my first reaction is surprise. It's pretty stupid of me, but I don't know...finding out that an older guy was using the internet to research sexual queries and problems just like I do - that's pretty amazing. lol.

What a guy.

And, to bring the family conversation home, to my families...I have reactions to report. Interesting ones, actually. I never expected my parents (bio and step) to respond with laughs and curiosity when I told them I worked at an adult store. Resigned acceptance I expected (and I did get some of it).

The truth came out with my mom first. It was actually over the phone, if I recall. We hadn't talked in a few days, and when one of our attempts to reach each other finally succeeded, she, understandably, asked why I'd been so busy. I don't know if I just can't lie, or if I didn't care enough to try and lie (that's probably closer to the truth), but I came out with it. I didn't say: "I work at an adult store," I said something like..."well, I've been working a lot between my jobs." I laid a little hint for her to pursue, should she choose (I knew she would...who am I kidding?).

So I told her, and what did she do? She laughed. The surprised kind. The kind that's really just an ascending "ha HAH," with the glottal stop at the end - a quick, surprised exclamation. I may be wrong, but I believe it may be a bit of a nervous habit, too.
Once that was out of the way, she asked me about it. I don't know what it is...I guess we all do this to a degree: describe our work differently to different people. There are different reasons for it. In this case, I felt the need to assure my mother that I wasn't doing it because I really enjoyed it, but more because I wanted to bring something (sex-positivity, community education and presence) to the place. Maybe I said it to remind myself of those things, too.

When I get overwhelmed with pressures to the point of paralysis, sometimes all it takes is the concern of a parent to snap out it. Their faith that I can find happiness - and worry when it eludes me - sometimes feels like pestering, but really, it's a gift that I can't give myself nearly as often as I wish. So, while my mom is cool with it and accepts that she can't control what I do, I will try to read her reaction as a hope that I don't give up on jobs like the Planned Parenthood one I almost had (or volunteering for similar places/initiatives).

Then, I saw my dad and step-mom last night, and it kind of came out then, too. I took a trip to their used record, book, and general-awesome-stuff shop, BackBeats, for some quality time and record shopping. :) It was a good time, as always, and during our catching up, I came out with it much in the way I had to my mom. Unlike my mom, who I believe needed explanation of which kind of arcade I was talking about, my dad was familiar. lol. He chuckled a bit, then called my step-mom over, saying: "hey, you'll never guess where Reed works now!" It was pretty great, actually. They seemed genuinely interested that I worked there, and took it all light-heartedly. I appreciated that.

My dad and I haven't had much in the way of conversations about sexuality. I know he's always been accepting of whatever me and my bro do, and perhaps this can be a way to open up that kind of conversation. I hope so.... I don't want to have the same kinds of convos with my parents about sex(uality) that I have with my friends, but I would like to at least have that area of life not be closed off for conversation for lack of trying or language.

And again, this comes up: how much is too much to push? If this doesn't come naturally, is it something that should be pursued? I don't even know what I'd want to talk about...but it's something I've always wondered about, simply because it was absent in conversation. Part of me thinks it's just because my parents' parents never talked to them about sexuality. Pretty conservative upbringings. But they rebelled against that. I just took for granted that they're still struggling with things, as I am. As with all of us, they have blind spots, they struggle with expression, they are working for growth.

If anything, this experience (the moving home, the jobs I got, the thought-processing and blogging about it all) is bringing me closer to them. Maybe some of the distance is imagined. The deeper I go, I realize the lines I think lie between me and others are more fuzzy and flexible than they look from afar.



A few notes, in closing:

I don't know how many people caught the reference from last post, but Wizard People, Dear Reader, is an actual thing. It's a bit brilliant, really. A guy took the first Harry Potter film and dubbed it as a book on tape. He didn't know the entire story (only what he gathered from the first film, itself - he'd never read the books), which makes it all the more interesting. People are assigned new names (Ronnie the Bear, HP, Harmony, Nearly Dead Dumbledore), which I find hilarious. AND he has the most horribly ridiculous narration voice. I believe most, if not all, of the film is available via youtube. The linked title a few lines up takes you to the first part in youtube. Highly recommended.

Hopefully word is getting out about my endeavor here (tell your friends, if you like what I have so far - or even if you don't). I had a little romanticized day dream the other day of having a following and being a blogger. (though, clearly I am a blogger, as this is a blog...but in my head it equates more to having a personality and presence, like my buddies at recon(figure)asian). I guess we'll see what comes of this.

Also, I don't know if I made it clear, but everything posted prior to the last post was unrelated, other than being a part of my life. I don't want to delete those posts because they may help others or myself. But, what do you think, should I make a new blog and repost this and the last posts and start fresh? I guess it probably depends on where my sights are set.