After two posts of breaking the ice, so to speak, I'm going to try and tone it down - one subject per post, under 300 words. Hope it helps in keeping up. I guess I just have so much to say cause I'm quiet and processing most of the time.
This week, I purchased my first toy with my discount. I actually got a few things. Then I got some free things!!! (my favorite kind of things.)
I suppose by now I'm fairly comfortable with my body and (the ideas of) my desires. (Sometimes my actual desires make me nervous.) But that's after years of not knowing shit. Or...not knowing the things I wanted to know. It's always a struggle to understand this mystery called "Reed" better.
There are things I expected to come up against with a job at an adult boutique. Being regularly surrounded by 3.5 walls of plastic body parts and and other toys inspired by them can't leave you unchanged. That was my starting hypothesis, so to speak.
I must say, just being around sex objects has become much more normal. Dildos and other toys are now parts of my visual repertoire. They come up in my thoughts frequently, and without the same kind of ignorant nervousness as before.
Talking to strangers about their needs in sex toys has become relatively more comfortable than it was a month ago. I've always been prudish in talking about sexual subjects. At best, I revert to a very scientific and detached language. I suppose being direct and effective with customers requires that I drop that for more common language. I have to pretend (for now) to be comfortable with talking about sex - who'd have thought??? I guess all kinds of people can get into working at adult stores...and some of them may be a bit nervous.
In the interest of space, I'll talk more about (my) toys later. But, the last applicable thought I had to this stream was: how does one get comfortable with sexuality? Do you, readers, have any ideas? I'd definitely love to hear them.
I thought that working at a place serving sexual appetites would help me to understand my own better, simply through osmosis, I suppose. But I suppose that's like expecting that working at a grocery store would help one understand their body's need for food, and what kinds of food they like. That is a logic I would like to see widespread. It certainly exists in food co-op spaces. And I think certain adult stores encourage their employees to explore their desires, needs, pleasure centers, bodies, fantasies, etc.
I don't work in one of those. Corporate shit is cock-blocking me from understanding myself.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
On families, pt. 1
Alright! It's been almost a week since my last post, and I've worked one more shift. It was only Wednesday, but seems ages ago after two full days of barista-ing (switching my mind between different jobs adds hours to the day). I've also been trying to process enough to get another solid post. (Look at me, trying so hard to post regularly! we'll see how long it lasts...)
So, I have two things to add today! One is about sweet men...one in particular. The other is about family - my family - and their reactions to learning of my latest line of work.
I had another good shift Wednesday. It didn't start so great, though. I drove my mom and her boo to the airport early in the morning, then agreed to come in to work early, turning my 5 hour shift into 8 hours. I definitely could have practiced some self-care and rested during those three hours, or maybe prepared food so I didn't have to order delivery during my shift. But instead I agreed...(there's something about this abstract fear of not having enough money that I need to kick. seriously...three jobs and I'm taking more hours because I have such an ingrained sense of worry. It needs to stop).
So I went in to cover a few hours so my manager could finish paperwork and get on her way to the headquarters in Chicago (she gets to take back things we never sold and get new merch! I'm so excited to see what we get!). It was a pretty good shift, business-wise, with just enough of a slow spell near dinner time that I had ample nomming opportunities. Also of note, it was my second shift and I sold $200 more in merch than the first! I've never worked for commission, so this is a little exciting (for now).
Easily the most touching and memorable interaction I had that day was with an older man. I'd barely noticed him until he came to the counter with his arms full (he was one of the quiet shoppers who research their purchases, then come in and simply choose the best/most applicable version of their target toys). I looked down and I saw: cock rings (x2), a medium sized (that's roughly...7-8 in./2 in. in our stock) dildo based off a casting of a real porn star's erection and sack, and a penis pump. :) The guy was set - he didn't need anything else. I could tell he was well-versed in what he was getting, so I got to the point and rung him up.
During out transaction however, he started up conversation. I've found in the service industry that, sometimes, people just want to talk. This was one of those times. He was a white man that looked to be in his 50's. He had a large frame, glasses, a receding hairline with a thinning top, a mustache. I imagined if I were his wife I would look at all of those things, lovingly, in the way they reflected a very caring person, but not necessarily defined him or set him apart. He looked like many late-middle-aged white men who work jobs that probably aren't very satisfying, and perhaps he didn't have many people to talk to other than his wife. (He actually kind of reminded me of that "Jump to Conclusions Mat" guy from Office Space.) But he said things that I wish I heard more often in this store.
He told me he was trying to keep his wife happy, after 25 years of marriage. He said it'd been going well so far, and he was just trying to keep things that way. He said he'd been researching on the internet and found out so many possible solutions for his pursuit.
It wasn't a long conversation, but a few things struck me about it:
1. This guy is sweet, dedicated, and honest with his wife and himself. He was trying to improve his own performance and compensate for natural aging processes, but he was also willing to use dildo to get his wife (and, potentially, himself - directly or indirectly) off, in the event that his erection couldn't be kept or wasn't enough. (At least that's how I read this.) What honesty! I want to be as loving and dedicated to myself and the people I'm intimate with as my body continues to show signs of aging.
2. He was proactive about his sex life (and in the process of pursuing sexual fulfillment for him and his wife, may have broken down personal barriers like going to sex-shops and admitting personal shortcomings...damnit work-related puns - there's at least one in every post). I do see a lot of older guys in the shop on any given day, but I'd say about 99% of them, thus far, have purchased tokens to the arcade, dvd's, or magazines. An older guy buying a toy is something of a rarity (in my very limited experience).
3. I guess it might be expected by now...but I sometimes am surprised to find that adults are using the internet (I'm ridiculous, right?). Really, though, I've had to teach my mom so many things about computers and other technologies that my first reaction is surprise. It's pretty stupid of me, but I don't know...finding out that an older guy was using the internet to research sexual queries and problems just like I do - that's pretty amazing. lol.
What a guy.
And, to bring the family conversation home, to my families...I have reactions to report. Interesting ones, actually. I never expected my parents (bio and step) to respond with laughs and curiosity when I told them I worked at an adult store. Resigned acceptance I expected (and I did get some of it).
The truth came out with my mom first. It was actually over the phone, if I recall. We hadn't talked in a few days, and when one of our attempts to reach each other finally succeeded, she, understandably, asked why I'd been so busy. I don't know if I just can't lie, or if I didn't care enough to try and lie (that's probably closer to the truth), but I came out with it. I didn't say: "I work at an adult store," I said something like..."well, I've been working a lot between my jobs." I laid a little hint for her to pursue, should she choose (I knew she would...who am I kidding?).
So I told her, and what did she do? She laughed. The surprised kind. The kind that's really just an ascending "ha HAH," with the glottal stop at the end - a quick, surprised exclamation. I may be wrong, but I believe it may be a bit of a nervous habit, too.
Once that was out of the way, she asked me about it. I don't know what it is...I guess we all do this to a degree: describe our work differently to different people. There are different reasons for it. In this case, I felt the need to assure my mother that I wasn't doing it because I really enjoyed it, but more because I wanted to bring something (sex-positivity, community education and presence) to the place. Maybe I said it to remind myself of those things, too.
When I get overwhelmed with pressures to the point of paralysis, sometimes all it takes is the concern of a parent to snap out it. Their faith that I can find happiness - and worry when it eludes me - sometimes feels like pestering, but really, it's a gift that I can't give myself nearly as often as I wish. So, while my mom is cool with it and accepts that she can't control what I do, I will try to read her reaction as a hope that I don't give up on jobs like the Planned Parenthood one I almost had (or volunteering for similar places/initiatives).
Then, I saw my dad and step-mom last night, and it kind of came out then, too. I took a trip to their used record, book, and general-awesome-stuff shop, BackBeats, for some quality time and record shopping. :) It was a good time, as always, and during our catching up, I came out with it much in the way I had to my mom. Unlike my mom, who I believe needed explanation of which kind of arcade I was talking about, my dad was familiar. lol. He chuckled a bit, then called my step-mom over, saying: "hey, you'll never guess where Reed works now!" It was pretty great, actually. They seemed genuinely interested that I worked there, and took it all light-heartedly. I appreciated that.
My dad and I haven't had much in the way of conversations about sexuality. I know he's always been accepting of whatever me and my bro do, and perhaps this can be a way to open up that kind of conversation. I hope so.... I don't want to have the same kinds of convos with my parents about sex(uality) that I have with my friends, but I would like to at least have that area of life not be closed off for conversation for lack of trying or language.
And again, this comes up: how much is too much to push? If this doesn't come naturally, is it something that should be pursued? I don't even know what I'd want to talk about...but it's something I've always wondered about, simply because it was absent in conversation. Part of me thinks it's just because my parents' parents never talked to them about sexuality. Pretty conservative upbringings. But they rebelled against that. I just took for granted that they're still struggling with things, as I am. As with all of us, they have blind spots, they struggle with expression, they are working for growth.
If anything, this experience (the moving home, the jobs I got, the thought-processing and blogging about it all) is bringing me closer to them. Maybe some of the distance is imagined. The deeper I go, I realize the lines I think lie between me and others are more fuzzy and flexible than they look from afar.
A few notes, in closing:
I don't know how many people caught the reference from last post, but Wizard People, Dear Reader, is an actual thing. It's a bit brilliant, really. A guy took the first Harry Potter film and dubbed it as a book on tape. He didn't know the entire story (only what he gathered from the first film, itself - he'd never read the books), which makes it all the more interesting. People are assigned new names (Ronnie the Bear, HP, Harmony, Nearly Dead Dumbledore), which I find hilarious. AND he has the most horribly ridiculous narration voice. I believe most, if not all, of the film is available via youtube. The linked title a few lines up takes you to the first part in youtube. Highly recommended.
Hopefully word is getting out about my endeavor here (tell your friends, if you like what I have so far - or even if you don't). I had a little romanticized day dream the other day of having a following and being a blogger. (though, clearly I am a blogger, as this is a blog...but in my head it equates more to having a personality and presence, like my buddies at recon(figure)asian). I guess we'll see what comes of this.
Also, I don't know if I made it clear, but everything posted prior to the last post was unrelated, other than being a part of my life. I don't want to delete those posts because they may help others or myself. But, what do you think, should I make a new blog and repost this and the last posts and start fresh? I guess it probably depends on where my sights are set.
So, I have two things to add today! One is about sweet men...one in particular. The other is about family - my family - and their reactions to learning of my latest line of work.
I had another good shift Wednesday. It didn't start so great, though. I drove my mom and her boo to the airport early in the morning, then agreed to come in to work early, turning my 5 hour shift into 8 hours. I definitely could have practiced some self-care and rested during those three hours, or maybe prepared food so I didn't have to order delivery during my shift. But instead I agreed...(there's something about this abstract fear of not having enough money that I need to kick. seriously...three jobs and I'm taking more hours because I have such an ingrained sense of worry. It needs to stop).
So I went in to cover a few hours so my manager could finish paperwork and get on her way to the headquarters in Chicago (she gets to take back things we never sold and get new merch! I'm so excited to see what we get!). It was a pretty good shift, business-wise, with just enough of a slow spell near dinner time that I had ample nomming opportunities. Also of note, it was my second shift and I sold $200 more in merch than the first! I've never worked for commission, so this is a little exciting (for now).
Easily the most touching and memorable interaction I had that day was with an older man. I'd barely noticed him until he came to the counter with his arms full (he was one of the quiet shoppers who research their purchases, then come in and simply choose the best/most applicable version of their target toys). I looked down and I saw: cock rings (x2), a medium sized (that's roughly...7-8 in./2 in. in our stock) dildo based off a casting of a real porn star's erection and sack, and a penis pump. :) The guy was set - he didn't need anything else. I could tell he was well-versed in what he was getting, so I got to the point and rung him up.
During out transaction however, he started up conversation. I've found in the service industry that, sometimes, people just want to talk. This was one of those times. He was a white man that looked to be in his 50's. He had a large frame, glasses, a receding hairline with a thinning top, a mustache. I imagined if I were his wife I would look at all of those things, lovingly, in the way they reflected a very caring person, but not necessarily defined him or set him apart. He looked like many late-middle-aged white men who work jobs that probably aren't very satisfying, and perhaps he didn't have many people to talk to other than his wife. (He actually kind of reminded me of that "Jump to Conclusions Mat" guy from Office Space.) But he said things that I wish I heard more often in this store.
He told me he was trying to keep his wife happy, after 25 years of marriage. He said it'd been going well so far, and he was just trying to keep things that way. He said he'd been researching on the internet and found out so many possible solutions for his pursuit.
It wasn't a long conversation, but a few things struck me about it:
1. This guy is sweet, dedicated, and honest with his wife and himself. He was trying to improve his own performance and compensate for natural aging processes, but he was also willing to use dildo to get his wife (and, potentially, himself - directly or indirectly) off, in the event that his erection couldn't be kept or wasn't enough. (At least that's how I read this.) What honesty! I want to be as loving and dedicated to myself and the people I'm intimate with as my body continues to show signs of aging.
2. He was proactive about his sex life (and in the process of pursuing sexual fulfillment for him and his wife, may have broken down personal barriers like going to sex-shops and admitting personal shortcomings...damnit work-related puns - there's at least one in every post). I do see a lot of older guys in the shop on any given day, but I'd say about 99% of them, thus far, have purchased tokens to the arcade, dvd's, or magazines. An older guy buying a toy is something of a rarity (in my very limited experience).
3. I guess it might be expected by now...but I sometimes am surprised to find that adults are using the internet (I'm ridiculous, right?). Really, though, I've had to teach my mom so many things about computers and other technologies that my first reaction is surprise. It's pretty stupid of me, but I don't know...finding out that an older guy was using the internet to research sexual queries and problems just like I do - that's pretty amazing. lol.
What a guy.
And, to bring the family conversation home, to my families...I have reactions to report. Interesting ones, actually. I never expected my parents (bio and step) to respond with laughs and curiosity when I told them I worked at an adult store. Resigned acceptance I expected (and I did get some of it).
The truth came out with my mom first. It was actually over the phone, if I recall. We hadn't talked in a few days, and when one of our attempts to reach each other finally succeeded, she, understandably, asked why I'd been so busy. I don't know if I just can't lie, or if I didn't care enough to try and lie (that's probably closer to the truth), but I came out with it. I didn't say: "I work at an adult store," I said something like..."well, I've been working a lot between my jobs." I laid a little hint for her to pursue, should she choose (I knew she would...who am I kidding?).
So I told her, and what did she do? She laughed. The surprised kind. The kind that's really just an ascending "ha HAH," with the glottal stop at the end - a quick, surprised exclamation. I may be wrong, but I believe it may be a bit of a nervous habit, too.
Once that was out of the way, she asked me about it. I don't know what it is...I guess we all do this to a degree: describe our work differently to different people. There are different reasons for it. In this case, I felt the need to assure my mother that I wasn't doing it because I really enjoyed it, but more because I wanted to bring something (sex-positivity, community education and presence) to the place. Maybe I said it to remind myself of those things, too.
When I get overwhelmed with pressures to the point of paralysis, sometimes all it takes is the concern of a parent to snap out it. Their faith that I can find happiness - and worry when it eludes me - sometimes feels like pestering, but really, it's a gift that I can't give myself nearly as often as I wish. So, while my mom is cool with it and accepts that she can't control what I do, I will try to read her reaction as a hope that I don't give up on jobs like the Planned Parenthood one I almost had (or volunteering for similar places/initiatives).
Then, I saw my dad and step-mom last night, and it kind of came out then, too. I took a trip to their used record, book, and general-awesome-stuff shop, BackBeats, for some quality time and record shopping. :) It was a good time, as always, and during our catching up, I came out with it much in the way I had to my mom. Unlike my mom, who I believe needed explanation of which kind of arcade I was talking about, my dad was familiar. lol. He chuckled a bit, then called my step-mom over, saying: "hey, you'll never guess where Reed works now!" It was pretty great, actually. They seemed genuinely interested that I worked there, and took it all light-heartedly. I appreciated that.
My dad and I haven't had much in the way of conversations about sexuality. I know he's always been accepting of whatever me and my bro do, and perhaps this can be a way to open up that kind of conversation. I hope so.... I don't want to have the same kinds of convos with my parents about sex(uality) that I have with my friends, but I would like to at least have that area of life not be closed off for conversation for lack of trying or language.
And again, this comes up: how much is too much to push? If this doesn't come naturally, is it something that should be pursued? I don't even know what I'd want to talk about...but it's something I've always wondered about, simply because it was absent in conversation. Part of me thinks it's just because my parents' parents never talked to them about sexuality. Pretty conservative upbringings. But they rebelled against that. I just took for granted that they're still struggling with things, as I am. As with all of us, they have blind spots, they struggle with expression, they are working for growth.
If anything, this experience (the moving home, the jobs I got, the thought-processing and blogging about it all) is bringing me closer to them. Maybe some of the distance is imagined. The deeper I go, I realize the lines I think lie between me and others are more fuzzy and flexible than they look from afar.
A few notes, in closing:
I don't know how many people caught the reference from last post, but Wizard People, Dear Reader, is an actual thing. It's a bit brilliant, really. A guy took the first Harry Potter film and dubbed it as a book on tape. He didn't know the entire story (only what he gathered from the first film, itself - he'd never read the books), which makes it all the more interesting. People are assigned new names (Ronnie the Bear, HP, Harmony, Nearly Dead Dumbledore), which I find hilarious. AND he has the most horribly ridiculous narration voice. I believe most, if not all, of the film is available via youtube. The linked title a few lines up takes you to the first part in youtube. Highly recommended.
Hopefully word is getting out about my endeavor here (tell your friends, if you like what I have so far - or even if you don't). I had a little romanticized day dream the other day of having a following and being a blogger. (though, clearly I am a blogger, as this is a blog...but in my head it equates more to having a personality and presence, like my buddies at recon(figure)asian). I guess we'll see what comes of this.
Also, I don't know if I made it clear, but everything posted prior to the last post was unrelated, other than being a part of my life. I don't want to delete those posts because they may help others or myself. But, what do you think, should I make a new blog and repost this and the last posts and start fresh? I guess it probably depends on where my sights are set.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
New direction....and
(Wizard people,) Dear Reader,
It's been a long time, and things have changed. But they haven't changed that much. I may have a good use for the blog url now.... I was trying to anticipate that when I chose it.
It is October, 2011. I'm living in Urbana, Illinois, and I've found two jobs. It seems a bit of a feat, given the times, and I'm thankful that I don't have to stress about money. But, as is the trend with me, it came after applying and failing to get more specialized and challenging work. Mega sad.
In any case, one of my jo(r)bs now is at an adult store, boutique, porn shop, or whatever name you'd like to call it.
I keep finding that I want to talk about it with people. There are so many stories, questions, and images this brings up. So, I'm going to do my best to share...but keep things anonymous and respectful.
***However... if anything seems too direct, descriptive, or if you read anything that seems to give away someone's identity, perhaps you, dear reader, would comment about it, or message me.
In any case, I begin.
Last night, I worked my first solo shift. It was 8pm to midnight, and it was Sunday.
First, I should explain a bit about where I work. It's a shop, but it also has viewing booths (solo only, plz) in the back. It has lots of DVDs and mags, compared to other shops I've been to before, but it also has a decent amount of toys (more than the other sections combined, in terms of space). It is under the management of a larger group, based in Chicago, that owns stores all over the midwest. It has no expressed political, educational, or sex positive motives. It is about meeting sales goals, set by "corporate."
So, that all means a lot of stuff for how the store is run - mostly that decisions that affect our day-to-day operations are made by people who have very little to do with our day-to-day. Frustrating. And also, I feel it carries the effect of stifling any creativity our manager may have. So, I don't know how she'd feel if I had any creative ideas, too.
But on to last night...
I got there, and it had been slow up to that point. I wasn't expecting much business. The guy working the shift before mine said "good luck, I wouldn't be surprised if you did better than me on sales...it was DEAD tonight." Perhaps I should have read that differently, but I thought he was saying it would be slow...oh, was I wrong...
Not like anything super nutso happened...but it was my first shift there alone, and it was Sunday night...anything coulda happened.
Notes I took:
TREND: Guys keep keys out, in hand jangling
A lot of couples came in, and I noticed the guys looking pretty uncomfortable. The reason I say this is: they had their keys in their hands. It wasn't just once, it was multiple people! I've never noticed this phenomenon before. Maybe it's something people do when they go somewhere they're uncomfortable (or uncomfortable with that part of themselves). The way I see it, you hold on to your keys to remind yourself that you will be leaving. But maybe it also keeps you from looking as long, as deep, or as hard, as you might, if left to your own devices. (lol...that just came out, whoops!)
Seriously...I'm trying my darndest to provide service in an unintimidating way. I want to be knowledgeable, be able to provide knowledgeable answers, or point people to answers if I don't have them. I want people to feel comfortable, but even getting through the doors is such a hurdle for some, it's a lot for me to be asking. I can tell, already, that some customers appreciated my approach to service in that store, and that makes me feel nice. I want to take those experiences away. But it's also interesting to experience just how people's discomforts manifest in such an environment. Wow.
THE Mannequin Display
Oh, speaking of quirky things, we have a new display up for the holidays (the Hallow's Eve, that is)! Of course, it wouldn't be complete without the standard movie porn parodies, of which we have...Halloween (the first one), Scream, Alice in Wonderland (titled "Malice in LalaLand, if I'm not mistaken), as well as a compilation of porn versions of older monster movies (Frankenstein, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Dracula - that's gotta be fun, if you're into that). We also have little themed "scene" displays, like nurse/patient/medical stuff on one shelf, sexy maid stuff one another, hentai on another, and so on.
But the best one, or the one I think is most fun (and maybe also the least intimidating, because it doesn't involve porn...and also just seems so distant from the reality of its use) is our spider web bed frame bondage set, hung on the wall, binding a Britney Spears blowup doll ("It's Britney, bitch!"), sporting a blindfold and a see-through lingerie g-string and drapey-top-thing set....
Just imagine it for a second.
But to do that, first you'll have to imagine this blow-up doll actually looks nothing like Britney Spears. This is not a nice, realistic one. It looks like plastic. Its curves reflect the limitations of its material. The limbs aren't very round - more tear-drop-shaped, because the seam doesn't inflate as smoothly as the rest. There are no 3-dimensional facial features - but that doesn't matter, they're covered by the blindfold (except, of course, the "mouth").
All in all, one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen. And I get to work under, next to, in front of it all the time. At least it's Britney. lol
$20 Man
The final thing that I have to add to this post is the story of a man. Here, I will write, verbatim, the quote as it came to my mind, and out of my mouth, while I jotted it down right before I passed out that night.
"No lie, a man who straight-up looked like a wizard came into the porno shop tonight. Complete with Nikes & a beanie from some light beer company"
And that is what happened.
If he hadn't been wearing the Nikes and some headband (it wasn't actually a beanie cap, it was an upside down headband) with something like..."Mountain Light" or "Midwest Light" or one of those water-beer names on it, I'd have thought to myself "now, here, is an urban wizard!"
I didn't know they existed.
But I guess that's the thing...if they exist, they might just show up in the porno shop someday.
To finish out the story, I owe you a description of his presence and what transpired.
When he walked in, my first reactions were "he looks really cool" and "he looks out of place." He was wearing a black hooded cloak that went to his calves or ankles. It was kind of tight (dimensionally, but it was also really cool). He had a leather belt. On it was a knife. A small one. Switchblade. Nothing special. And I never, at any point, had the impression he was thinking of weilding it. (Thank goodness! - I have yet to have a violent outbreak from a customer, but I'm told it'll happen sooner or later. *Gulp*)
Looking up from the belt, you'll see many a necklace, with amulets and pouches that adorn his chest. The most prominent was the skull of something kind of large - perhaps a deer. It had been cut, so it was only the top layer of the bones, the plane of the face you would see if you looked head-on. It was attached to a leather pouch, and then grey stones with fake rubies for pupils had been affixed in the eye sockets. (Please stop yourselves, dear readers, if you imagine this looking intimidating. It was clearly home-made. perhaps the pouch was not, as it looked very cool. If the eye sockets were empty, it would have been mighty cool. But it looked a bit silly (almost in the way a pug's eyeballs go in different directions.) Another amulet was a green stone background with a metal scarab beetle on it. This looked pretty cool, thought slightly out of place in the 21st century.
As you follow this hand-full of chains up his chest to his shoulders, you will find a very attractive collar. It, too, seems to be taking a note from ancient Egyptian aesthetics. It is a fan-like collar made of wire, threaded with miniature multicolored beads. Impressive. This was my favorite part of his outfit, and with the cloak, it was actually pretty neat.
Again, you can't fixate on this detail without being led upward by another feature - a bush of tangled grey hairs hanging from his chin. This man has not shaved in years. The beard only adds to the allure he exudes. measuring in at what must be 4 inches, or so, in length, it is quite a force. parts had a bit of a yellowish tint to them - I imagine from tobacco. And framed by this bush was his mouth...
I don't need to relay it, but suffice it to say, I saw no pearly-whites in his mouth. I don't believe anything in there was white anymore.
When he approached me, I didn't know what to expect. But it became apparent, after a few moments, that he was not looking for anything. Not a thing, so much as a conversation. He wanted to talk, and so I listened. I listened, dear readers, because I knew not what else to do. The man had a knife, but he also had been drinking. He'd probably been drinking for years, come to think of it. It was a Sunday night, my first night alone, and I didn't want any trouble.
So I listened.
He told me about the bar he'd been at (one of the two gay bars in town), and how the bartender had mixed him a drink called a Klingon. He said it made people fight. He told me about fighting...breaking up fights, ending fights (with big knives). He told me he was still feeling it, and he needed to get off the street for a while so he could sober up and get on his way. He also told me many things I can't remember, to be honest. Our brains were working with two different notions of what made 'sense.'
A few people came in and left the store during this conversation. It must have lasted 20 minutes or so. I left our conversation for the fourth time, or so, to help another customer, and when I returned I asked, for the second time, "can I get you anything, buddy?" After fiddling with his wallet (another one of the pouches hanging from his neck), he pulled out a 20 and asked for (not $3 or $5, as most customers do, but) $20 in tokens for the arcade. If you figure that each token gets about 1.5 minutes, and there are 4 tokens to a dollar, just like quarters, then you're looking at almost 2 hours of arcade time. I don't think he left before I did.... Maybe he just wanted a nap. My boss told me people do that, especially when it's colder.
(why do people think they can take advantage of us just because we're the porno shop? Is that a rhetorical question? It wasn't intended to be.)
I thought the magician was going to be on his way after a brief respite, but he actually wanted some of our services. It was quite the surprise. Maybe I just thought he would be different...
In any case, I'll have plenty more to talk about. This was the beginning of a journey. I have a long way to go before I feel remotely comfortable in this position. (Man...once you work in an adult store, everything seems to have a sexual pun - if it didn't already, which may be why one works at an adult store to begin with...). Does the person choose the profession, or the profession the person?
Two Final Things:
1. When I say porno shop, that's done tongue-in-cheek (if I'm using that phrase correctly). It's a joke. Nearly every time I've mentioned my job to someone, they've referred to it as the "porn store," "porno shop," or something of the sort. They've been aghast, amused, confounded, surprised to learn that a "guy-like-me" works at a "place-like-that." I've told my mom, her boyfriend, my brother, many friends, and coworkers at my other jobs. My father doesn't know...I'll write an article about telling the parents, someday. That should be a blast.
Anyway, my point is: around here, "adult boutique" means almost nothing to people. It may say those words on the building, but in people's minds, it's the porno shop - the place where people go to jack off, "and lord-av-mercy if you have to clean up after them!" (I don't.) I don't know what else to do but what feels right, but, for now, that has little to do with what people call it. It's more about how they feel about it. And that, I hope to change.
2. To sign off, dear readers, I will leave you with a quote. It's hand-picked from some recent reading (Whip Smart, by Melissa Febos). This is one of the first times that I've read a book and the opening quote meant something to me. It was visceral. I knew the book would be good from that moment. I hadn't even started the story (though I had an inkling it would be interesting, being based on exploits as a forme professional dominatrix and all). The words were not even this author's. And here are those words:
"I am human, let nothing human be foreign to me." - Montaigne
I don't know who this Montaigne is. I have to look that up - something I'll admit to being terrible about. And perhaps this is a common quote, one you are surprised I hadn't heard or read before. But honestly, I don't care. When something hits you, it's the right moment. I've found that from my life, over and over. It happens a lot with music. I think: "Oh, man! I wish I'd found this sooner," when I find an album months or years after the hype has passed. But, perhaps I wouldn't have been ready if I did. Perhaps it wouldn't hit as hard, or leave the same mark. Being wrapped up in the buzz keeps me from enjoying things on my own terms, and there's a lot to be lost from missing that.
If I think back on my life (I hope you'll allow me this indulgence), this quote sums up much of my pursuits to this day. I try to keep things like "do one thing each day that scares you" in my mind frequently, so that I may experience more out of life. So that I may keep my brain active, always taking on new challenges, and rewiring for new information.
This quote, like no other, suggests the life track that I'm after. I'm not saying I want to live fast and die young, but I want to live a life that pushes my boundaries. Because it is in those moments that I realize I am strong, adaptable, lovable.
The question is, how hard do I push?
It's been a long time, and things have changed. But they haven't changed that much. I may have a good use for the blog url now.... I was trying to anticipate that when I chose it.
It is October, 2011. I'm living in Urbana, Illinois, and I've found two jobs. It seems a bit of a feat, given the times, and I'm thankful that I don't have to stress about money. But, as is the trend with me, it came after applying and failing to get more specialized and challenging work. Mega sad.
In any case, one of my jo(r)bs now is at an adult store, boutique, porn shop, or whatever name you'd like to call it.
I keep finding that I want to talk about it with people. There are so many stories, questions, and images this brings up. So, I'm going to do my best to share...but keep things anonymous and respectful.
***However... if anything seems too direct, descriptive, or if you read anything that seems to give away someone's identity, perhaps you, dear reader, would comment about it, or message me.
In any case, I begin.
Last night, I worked my first solo shift. It was 8pm to midnight, and it was Sunday.
First, I should explain a bit about where I work. It's a shop, but it also has viewing booths (solo only, plz) in the back. It has lots of DVDs and mags, compared to other shops I've been to before, but it also has a decent amount of toys (more than the other sections combined, in terms of space). It is under the management of a larger group, based in Chicago, that owns stores all over the midwest. It has no expressed political, educational, or sex positive motives. It is about meeting sales goals, set by "corporate."
So, that all means a lot of stuff for how the store is run - mostly that decisions that affect our day-to-day operations are made by people who have very little to do with our day-to-day. Frustrating. And also, I feel it carries the effect of stifling any creativity our manager may have. So, I don't know how she'd feel if I had any creative ideas, too.
But on to last night...
I got there, and it had been slow up to that point. I wasn't expecting much business. The guy working the shift before mine said "good luck, I wouldn't be surprised if you did better than me on sales...it was DEAD tonight." Perhaps I should have read that differently, but I thought he was saying it would be slow...oh, was I wrong...
Not like anything super nutso happened...but it was my first shift there alone, and it was Sunday night...anything coulda happened.
Notes I took:
TREND: Guys keep keys out, in hand jangling
A lot of couples came in, and I noticed the guys looking pretty uncomfortable. The reason I say this is: they had their keys in their hands. It wasn't just once, it was multiple people! I've never noticed this phenomenon before. Maybe it's something people do when they go somewhere they're uncomfortable (or uncomfortable with that part of themselves). The way I see it, you hold on to your keys to remind yourself that you will be leaving. But maybe it also keeps you from looking as long, as deep, or as hard, as you might, if left to your own devices. (lol...that just came out, whoops!)
Seriously...I'm trying my darndest to provide service in an unintimidating way. I want to be knowledgeable, be able to provide knowledgeable answers, or point people to answers if I don't have them. I want people to feel comfortable, but even getting through the doors is such a hurdle for some, it's a lot for me to be asking. I can tell, already, that some customers appreciated my approach to service in that store, and that makes me feel nice. I want to take those experiences away. But it's also interesting to experience just how people's discomforts manifest in such an environment. Wow.
THE Mannequin Display
Oh, speaking of quirky things, we have a new display up for the holidays (the Hallow's Eve, that is)! Of course, it wouldn't be complete without the standard movie porn parodies, of which we have...Halloween (the first one), Scream, Alice in Wonderland (titled "Malice in LalaLand, if I'm not mistaken), as well as a compilation of porn versions of older monster movies (Frankenstein, the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Dracula - that's gotta be fun, if you're into that). We also have little themed "scene" displays, like nurse/patient/medical stuff on one shelf, sexy maid stuff one another, hentai on another, and so on.
But the best one, or the one I think is most fun (and maybe also the least intimidating, because it doesn't involve porn...and also just seems so distant from the reality of its use) is our spider web bed frame bondage set, hung on the wall, binding a Britney Spears blowup doll ("It's Britney, bitch!"), sporting a blindfold and a see-through lingerie g-string and drapey-top-thing set....
Just imagine it for a second.
But to do that, first you'll have to imagine this blow-up doll actually looks nothing like Britney Spears. This is not a nice, realistic one. It looks like plastic. Its curves reflect the limitations of its material. The limbs aren't very round - more tear-drop-shaped, because the seam doesn't inflate as smoothly as the rest. There are no 3-dimensional facial features - but that doesn't matter, they're covered by the blindfold (except, of course, the "mouth").
All in all, one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen. And I get to work under, next to, in front of it all the time. At least it's Britney. lol
$20 Man
The final thing that I have to add to this post is the story of a man. Here, I will write, verbatim, the quote as it came to my mind, and out of my mouth, while I jotted it down right before I passed out that night.
"No lie, a man who straight-up looked like a wizard came into the porno shop tonight. Complete with Nikes & a beanie from some light beer company"
And that is what happened.
If he hadn't been wearing the Nikes and some headband (it wasn't actually a beanie cap, it was an upside down headband) with something like..."Mountain Light" or "Midwest Light" or one of those water-beer names on it, I'd have thought to myself "now, here, is an urban wizard!"
I didn't know they existed.
But I guess that's the thing...if they exist, they might just show up in the porno shop someday.
To finish out the story, I owe you a description of his presence and what transpired.
When he walked in, my first reactions were "he looks really cool" and "he looks out of place." He was wearing a black hooded cloak that went to his calves or ankles. It was kind of tight (dimensionally, but it was also really cool). He had a leather belt. On it was a knife. A small one. Switchblade. Nothing special. And I never, at any point, had the impression he was thinking of weilding it. (Thank goodness! - I have yet to have a violent outbreak from a customer, but I'm told it'll happen sooner or later. *Gulp*)
Looking up from the belt, you'll see many a necklace, with amulets and pouches that adorn his chest. The most prominent was the skull of something kind of large - perhaps a deer. It had been cut, so it was only the top layer of the bones, the plane of the face you would see if you looked head-on. It was attached to a leather pouch, and then grey stones with fake rubies for pupils had been affixed in the eye sockets. (Please stop yourselves, dear readers, if you imagine this looking intimidating. It was clearly home-made. perhaps the pouch was not, as it looked very cool. If the eye sockets were empty, it would have been mighty cool. But it looked a bit silly (almost in the way a pug's eyeballs go in different directions.) Another amulet was a green stone background with a metal scarab beetle on it. This looked pretty cool, thought slightly out of place in the 21st century.
As you follow this hand-full of chains up his chest to his shoulders, you will find a very attractive collar. It, too, seems to be taking a note from ancient Egyptian aesthetics. It is a fan-like collar made of wire, threaded with miniature multicolored beads. Impressive. This was my favorite part of his outfit, and with the cloak, it was actually pretty neat.
Again, you can't fixate on this detail without being led upward by another feature - a bush of tangled grey hairs hanging from his chin. This man has not shaved in years. The beard only adds to the allure he exudes. measuring in at what must be 4 inches, or so, in length, it is quite a force. parts had a bit of a yellowish tint to them - I imagine from tobacco. And framed by this bush was his mouth...
I don't need to relay it, but suffice it to say, I saw no pearly-whites in his mouth. I don't believe anything in there was white anymore.
When he approached me, I didn't know what to expect. But it became apparent, after a few moments, that he was not looking for anything. Not a thing, so much as a conversation. He wanted to talk, and so I listened. I listened, dear readers, because I knew not what else to do. The man had a knife, but he also had been drinking. He'd probably been drinking for years, come to think of it. It was a Sunday night, my first night alone, and I didn't want any trouble.
So I listened.
He told me about the bar he'd been at (one of the two gay bars in town), and how the bartender had mixed him a drink called a Klingon. He said it made people fight. He told me about fighting...breaking up fights, ending fights (with big knives). He told me he was still feeling it, and he needed to get off the street for a while so he could sober up and get on his way. He also told me many things I can't remember, to be honest. Our brains were working with two different notions of what made 'sense.'
A few people came in and left the store during this conversation. It must have lasted 20 minutes or so. I left our conversation for the fourth time, or so, to help another customer, and when I returned I asked, for the second time, "can I get you anything, buddy?" After fiddling with his wallet (another one of the pouches hanging from his neck), he pulled out a 20 and asked for (not $3 or $5, as most customers do, but) $20 in tokens for the arcade. If you figure that each token gets about 1.5 minutes, and there are 4 tokens to a dollar, just like quarters, then you're looking at almost 2 hours of arcade time. I don't think he left before I did.... Maybe he just wanted a nap. My boss told me people do that, especially when it's colder.
(why do people think they can take advantage of us just because we're the porno shop? Is that a rhetorical question? It wasn't intended to be.)
I thought the magician was going to be on his way after a brief respite, but he actually wanted some of our services. It was quite the surprise. Maybe I just thought he would be different...
In any case, I'll have plenty more to talk about. This was the beginning of a journey. I have a long way to go before I feel remotely comfortable in this position. (Man...once you work in an adult store, everything seems to have a sexual pun - if it didn't already, which may be why one works at an adult store to begin with...). Does the person choose the profession, or the profession the person?
Two Final Things:
1. When I say porno shop, that's done tongue-in-cheek (if I'm using that phrase correctly). It's a joke. Nearly every time I've mentioned my job to someone, they've referred to it as the "porn store," "porno shop," or something of the sort. They've been aghast, amused, confounded, surprised to learn that a "guy-like-me" works at a "place-like-that." I've told my mom, her boyfriend, my brother, many friends, and coworkers at my other jobs. My father doesn't know...I'll write an article about telling the parents, someday. That should be a blast.
Anyway, my point is: around here, "adult boutique" means almost nothing to people. It may say those words on the building, but in people's minds, it's the porno shop - the place where people go to jack off, "and lord-av-mercy if you have to clean up after them!" (I don't.) I don't know what else to do but what feels right, but, for now, that has little to do with what people call it. It's more about how they feel about it. And that, I hope to change.
2. To sign off, dear readers, I will leave you with a quote. It's hand-picked from some recent reading (Whip Smart, by Melissa Febos). This is one of the first times that I've read a book and the opening quote meant something to me. It was visceral. I knew the book would be good from that moment. I hadn't even started the story (though I had an inkling it would be interesting, being based on exploits as a forme professional dominatrix and all). The words were not even this author's. And here are those words:
"I am human, let nothing human be foreign to me." - Montaigne
I don't know who this Montaigne is. I have to look that up - something I'll admit to being terrible about. And perhaps this is a common quote, one you are surprised I hadn't heard or read before. But honestly, I don't care. When something hits you, it's the right moment. I've found that from my life, over and over. It happens a lot with music. I think: "Oh, man! I wish I'd found this sooner," when I find an album months or years after the hype has passed. But, perhaps I wouldn't have been ready if I did. Perhaps it wouldn't hit as hard, or leave the same mark. Being wrapped up in the buzz keeps me from enjoying things on my own terms, and there's a lot to be lost from missing that.
If I think back on my life (I hope you'll allow me this indulgence), this quote sums up much of my pursuits to this day. I try to keep things like "do one thing each day that scares you" in my mind frequently, so that I may experience more out of life. So that I may keep my brain active, always taking on new challenges, and rewiring for new information.
This quote, like no other, suggests the life track that I'm after. I'm not saying I want to live fast and die young, but I want to live a life that pushes my boundaries. Because it is in those moments that I realize I am strong, adaptable, lovable.
The question is, how hard do I push?
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