After DC (which was amazing), I don't know how to have a weekend anymore. Life has been pretty disjointed since returning, and I realize once again, that I am not happy here. I make the best of my circumstances, but there's only so much I can do. I can't fool myself much longer - this place makes me miserable. And maybe graduating won't really be a liberating experience - I'll have many more things to worry about, especially financially (which deeply frightens me), and it may be only worse. But, maybe not, if I can do something like AmeriCorps. or Teach for America. The problem is...if things go anything like they have been for the last few years, I won't make the deadline for those program applications. Last year it was MITY (which I'm glad I didn't end up working for, I wouldn't have had that amazing summer, and that would be tragic), and now it's Chuck Green - and it looks like I won't finish by Monday. FUCK! If there's one thing I don't learn from my mistakes, it's how to keep on schedule with deadlines, and I'm sure it will cost me many more opportunities in my coming years.
So, that's that. The work I struggle to do, and most of the spaces in which I do most of my learning, I feel, are not recognized by this school, nor my transcript. I'm pretty unimpressive in that sense. But, once I join a community, I realize, I tend to completely invest myself in it. Thus, I'm extremely invested in improving this campus for all students, even though I am not getting what I need, nor finding happiness. What a situation to be in! I should probably have transferred when I started feeling this stuff my first year. This is like...revelations to me. I'm still not speaking up for my needs, and changing schools is definitely one of those needs. But, it's so late now, and I feel like it wouldn't be worth it.
I'm swamped with work, my mom and Stephen are coming today, and I'm not up to any of it. And on top of all of that, our house is fucking freezing!
my mood:
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