aghast

I was dragging the garbage and recycling out the back of TG this evening, backing out of the door, when I felt something soft under my foot.
Many thoughts entered my mind:
It was soft, but didn't completely give
It was too large to be a pearl
I didn't feel any crunches
It might be a living thing!

The moment I felt it I hopped and shifted weight to my other foot. Slowly moving the recycling can I looked at a small greyish-brown mass. I thought I had killed a baby bird. "How many times have I seen dead baby birds! And this time I was the cause?!" were my approximate thoughts.
But no, it had no feathers, beak, neck...It was a toad! Poor toad!!! It was on its back, mouth agape, tongue hanging out!!!

I can't quite describe the rush of emotions this whole experience gave me up until that point, but that was it, it was too much. I freaked and ran inside, screaming (thankfully only my co-workers were inside at this point!). It must have been quite a sight. I felt like I was hyperventilating! I had no idea what to do, as is always the case with these kinds of encounters with "nature."

It's these kinds of moments that remind me that all this "civilization," and our "advances" have really taken a toll on not only native peoples, but also the vast number of animal species initially inhabiting this land. Encountering "wildlife" where it "shouldn't be" is always a bit startling, especially, for me, if it seems to be dying as a result.
The same thing happened last summer, back home, when Sidney brought a baby opossum out from the bushes in our back yard. The way she dropped it, I was certain it was dead. But, after chasing Sidney inside, I went back to look and it had turned over - just playing dead (as I later found opossums are known to do)!
That was an experience! We took that baby opossum to the animal ER at the U of I, hoping they could do something for it, but it turned out Sidney had punctured its stomach and there was no way to guarantee it would mend. They put the opossum down. It was a sad day. As was this evening.

I went back outside, prepared with a cup, to scoop up toady and bury it. But sure enough, just like the opossum, it was only playing dead. It had rolled over and was sitting on the doormat now. Thankfully, Patricia came to check it out and offered to pick it up and put it somewhere.

Diana, the owner of TG, apparently puts bleach in the fountain in the back of the Grand Ave. store, for all of you who were planning to drink from it/let your animals and/or children drink from or play in it. Though it may have liked the humid environment, we had to take it away, so we put it by the trees in the alley between TG and Neha's old apt. I hope it lives. Chances are, it has already drank from the fountain, which would explain its chillin by the door and sluggishness, and will pass shortly. If I were a praying man, I would do that right now. But I hope that whatever happens, that toad either survives this to tell its family/relatives about TG, or passes without pain or suffering.
________

I've always reacted like this to animal deaths, or ostensibly dead animals. That's one reason why I felt vegetarianism was a good choice.
And afterwards, I kept thinking: "Why don't I have this kind of care or reaction to insects? Why are they so dispensable? They also are living just as much as anything else is."
I wonder how much our living here has affected ecosystems...I suppose things have been adapting for years. I know some bugs sure seem to like it in our buildings, on our lights, in the corners, basements, bathrooms. I always try to spread positive vibes to the insects I encounter, in my home and on the ground. Unfortunately, I don't have the will power to do the whole sweeping-before-I-walk thing to make sure I don't step on anything. I really respect people with that much devotion to peace and non-violence.


Also, before I went to work and all this mess happened, I made a really great dinner!
From this site Monna sent me a recipe for scallion pancakes I found a recipe for Szechuan spicy cucumber salad that I really wanted to make! Suma and I got that at Little Szechuan once and it was so good! So, I decided to make that, and do something with the tofu I had. I made a sweet chili fried tofu dish, also on that site...I think it's called Appetite for China, or something like that.
A) Surprisingly successful.
B) Delicious!
C) Few ingredients, which also meant that the flavors could really stand out.

I guess I just got intimidated by cooking in a style I'm not that familiar with...making a sauce - something I've never done, until today. And with something I've never used - Szechuan peppercorns (which are amazing, btw).
Just like when I was trying to make daal the first time, there's different techniques one has to gain, but it's great to do things I'm "scared of trying." I find that usually when I just take the time to figure things out and then take the chance, it always turns out ok, even if I fail. At least I've learned early that I like to cook with all my ingredients prepared beforehand. It means washing more dishes sometimes...but it really reduces stress. I just don't have the ability to cut and add as I go, as I see my mums doing.

Anyway, what a day! And tomorrow should be cool - hanging out with Stu all day. It's been awhile. It's nice to have at least one DJ friend in the area. Every time I get the chance to talk about music or DJing on this level it really gets me going.
Unfortunately, I also have thoughts that I may have to give up music someday in the near future. I will leave with this thought:
While reading Malcolm X's autobiography, I had a constant swarm of emotions and thoughts rushing through or sitting in my head. One thing I realized in the process of reading the book was that I LOVE reading, especially of the kind that I can use as "ammunition" for my points during any kind of dispute. I really regret not taking more time to read as I have been this past few weeks. I thought, "what if I did take that time? Where would it come from? My first thought: music. Malcolm, once he entered prison, never took spare time, and it sounds as though he didn't really have "hobbies." I am not Malcolm X, and I will not live the same life...but I understand how he was able to become so strong in his arguments and speak such truth because he had the opportunity to become so read and learned while in prison, in addition to following completely the teachings and word of Elijah Muhammad. I suppose it was the combination of that - having the knowledge, and already having the argument, the truth, but needing to support it. I don't have that much, and it's hard to tell where I'm going with my reading and research, when I don't have a platform or faith to support it with, other than humanity...faith in humanity. To some degree, that is what's driving me, at the core.
In any case, if I dropped music and started reading instead of looking for records, playing records, or downloading/searching for music on my computer, I would have a great deal of time. That would be just about all of my time not spent doing school work, sleeping, eating, or taking care of myself. I don't know if I could do it, because I don't have one specific cause, one focus, to...focus on, making it hard to have so much faith in the work I do, making it less satisfying, which is a huge bump up for music - instant gratification of playing/listening to music I greatly enjoy. There's always the issues though..."what does this mean?" "what message does this send/story does this tell?" "if I don't like the lyrics of a song, should I play it or not? should I just go with mostly instrumental stuff because it doesn't have words to possibly send the wrong message? and so on, and so on...
That reminds me, I need to work on my application to the Red Bull Music Academy!

Goodnight!